In May this year, I had what I think was a little breakdown. I was sitting in a hotel room in Italy, I felt lost, trapped, highly anxious and numb. I was confused about who I was, what I was doing as a job, and why I felt so numb.
Since that day I have been on a journey, a journey that I’m well and truly still on and that will never end. It’s a journey with one goal: to heal myself. To heal from the things that I’ve learned through my life that cause me problems, and the traumas that have happened in my life.
A simple example, I’ve learned that I am too big. As a girl I am too tall, too wide, too fat. This is something I learned at a young age. It’s completely wrong and my conscious knows that, but every single day that learning that has become a narrative in my head, reinforces that incorrect message. I’m learning how to unlearn it and stop various negative self talk subjects.
My journey started the day after that breakthrough in May. I had the courage to take myself for a run. That’s something I’d realised I was avoiding as I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts. I was scared to face that fact that I was sad. I was stuffing my emotions down and it was stuffing me up! I cried. I cried for the loss of my friend Jack, for the sadness I still felt about what happened to my brother, for what has happened to me and my health, for many things. It was a release and it was something that happened day after day as I ran along through the vineyards.
I started to journal again and to read about what was happening to me. I started to follow Instagram accounts that would educate me and support me on this journey.
I committed to seeing my therapist once a month.
Above all this, I slowly started to keep the promises I made to myself and bit by bit, this changed everything.
Since May I have absolutely transformed myself and my state of mind. On the outside I probably look exactly the same (perhaps a little more sparkly and smiley) but inside I’m a different person. I have more consciousness of my thoughts, my negative talk, my restrictive patterns and with this I have so much more. I’ve got confidence, I am more me, I have better relationships with everyone in my life, I am more efficient, I enjoy everything I choose to do with my time, I have more money, I understand my body better, I have my voice back and I FEEL my emotions more – from sadness through to the most vibrant love.
My journey will never end. I am constantly learning and I love it. Learning about yourself, healing yourself and becoming your best self is the best journey you can ever go on. I was afraid – don’t be. It’s been really hard at times, sometimes really exhausting. I’ve had periods of fatigue and those of high emotions. But my life is a thousand times better for this journey and I know that my family’s lives already are and will be in the future.
Don’t know where to start? There’s amazing information in just one click…
A few accounts that I adore on Instagram:
@the.holistic.psychologist – this one is INCREDIBLE
And podcasts such as Happy Place are full of juicy information and learnings.