The home stretch, surely

Since last writing, things have changed again…but for the better! I stayed in hospital for a few more days to be monitored, to rest and to try some new drugs for my heart and my colitis. Luckily this combination helped me massively and I stabilised enough to come home and let the baby grow some more before giving birth. I can’t tell you how many times the ‘plan’ has changed.

So I’m still pregnant. I’m at home, on bed rest (still) and just sitting it out until my induction which is planned for sometime soon. My colitis is still being a d**k so I’ve got some more drugs to try for that as ideally we’d like to make that a bit happier before I give birth.

I have loved being pregnant and I’m grateful every single day, but oh my have I hit the stage where I want to get bambino out. I am huge and uncomfortable. I can’t breathe. I ache all over. I can’t sleep. I eat and drink almost ALL of the time. This baby is huge and kicks me with incredible strength now! I need a wee every 5 mins and I cry at EVERYTHING. Oh and I’m bloody sick of hospitals! And I’m only at 36/37 weeks. I don’t know how women do this till 40+ weeks! Absolute heroes.

So that’s it, I’m just sitting around and hoping everything goes to plan. Baby White is more than welcome to decide to come a little early if he pleases…


Kensington resident

Well here I am on the hottest day of the year, on a ward in The Brompton Hospital. I cannot explain how hot it is in here! This week has been a bit of an adventure and it’s time to log it in another blog post.

On Tuesday I had a horrible day. I couldn’t get out of bed for palpitations, fear of fainting and breathlessness. That meant my heart was struggling and I was starting to get a bit scared. I let my nurse know that I wasn’t feeling great and really dropped myself in it. She called back to let me know that they wanted to admit me to The Brompton so I could be monitored for a ‘day or 2’. On Wednesday, a bed became available and I was admitted to my favourite hospital. I’m now a resident of Kensington, darling.

It’s been a strange few days where the plan for my treatment and the birth of our bambino has changed every few hours. At one point on Wednesday night, I have to admit I did have a melt down about it all. Turns out that my heart, while “not happy” (to quote my Doctor) is doing OK and can hang in there another week or so to get me to the dreamy 36 weeks. My colitis however has come out of nowhere to completely kibosh the whole situation and royally screw us over. I knew my symptoms weren’t great but I’d been putting up with it, not taking it very seriously. I should have taken it more seriously. The strain that the inflammation is putting on my body overall means I’m dehydrated (but at the same time retaining fluid on my lungs), not absorbing nutrients from food, anaemic and I’m losing blood which is putting strain on my heart and reducing my blood pressure to dangerous levels. Mother f**ker!

I will never underestimate this stupid disease again. Annoyingly, if I don’t get it treated then I could get really quite sick which could see me in hospital for a while after the baby is born and none of us want that. The drugs they need to use to treat it can’t be given when there’s a baby inside me. The docs are trying to work out some other treatment to give me to get me well enough for the next week or so. If they can’t, it’s baby time!

The plan changes hour by hour and Ben and I will update those that have been in touch with the final plan once we know it. We will be given a due date at some point soon and we will be keeping that between us and our close family for now. We really appreciate all of the amazing support our friends and family have given us in these last few weeks. Thanks for stopping us both having melt downs! Feel free to get in touch if you fancy a chat. I may just be slow to reply. Maybe just a few more weeks of crazy to go and hopefully we’ll be home and ready to mingle!

I have to say, hospital has been quite a nice break and we’re both feeling really upbeat and positive. I’ve done a lot of relaxing, chatting to lovely nurses, receiving incredible treatment and exploring more of the King’s Road when I can manage a walk. I’m also feeling a lot better than I was last Tuesday – mainly thanks to my new best friend Furosemide, which helps reduce the water retention in my body. I’ve de-swollen (huge relief) and I can breathe again!

I rave about this hospital but I truly wonder whether there’s a better one in the world. I can’t wait till I’m asking you all to support me in some fundraising for this place..! Ha.

Thank god for the new season of OITNB.

The lovely view from the ward.

Lumpy, bumpy and me with our new buddy Mr Monitor. He goes everywhere with us.

Love yourself

In a world full of so much noise, terror, corruption and bulls**t, today I despair. This blog post today focuses on you and looking inside, to build a stronger you for everything you believe in, for what you want to achieve in your life and for everyone you care about.

What’s more important than you?
The answer is nothing.

Now that sounds self centred and arrogant, but it isn’t. If you’re not your best, how can you achieve your best? How can you be the best friend? Although there are many people looking out for you in life, the only person that really can, 100% of the time, is you! Now is the time to make sure you’re looking out for yourself.

My week in bed has been helpful in this realisation. Like most people, my brain can be my enemy, telling me I’m rubbish at this, crap at that, fat, ugly, moody…blah blah blah. Immediately after my diagnosis a couple of weeks ago, this critic in my brain went into over drive and was making me feel down, weak and like a failure. This week, I decided I’d had enough.

I’ve spent the last week focusing on making myself as strong and healthy as possible – I can only do this fully if I respect myself. If I had maintained the negative view of my heart as weak and pathetic, then I would have continued to see my whole body as that. With this view I wasn’t resting and eating well as I’d been told to do (don’t tell the docs!).

This respect went beyond just my heart but into all of the negative thoughts and critique I get from myself. I had to turn things around:

‘You’re not achieving anything’ – umm yes I am, I growing a frickin’ healthy baby thanks. Isn’t this one of the best achievements of my life you nutter?!

‘You’re getting fat just lying here’ – YOU AREN’T FAT YOU ARE PREGNANT! (there’s nothing like pregnancy to make you realise how thin you were before btw – perspective is amazing).

‘You’re losing all your fitness and muscle’ – Lucy, it’s been 2 weeks. I think you can get it back. Enjoy not having to drag yourself to the gym 3 times a week.

‘You’re going to be a rubbish mum if you’re recovering in hospital for weeks’ – The situation is what it is, and you don’t even know how this is going to go yet. You will be a great mum, no matter how this journey starts out.

‘You’re letting your brides down. You’re a rubbish wedding planner’ – This has been the biggest learning of all. I was honest with all of the brides about my situation and was scared of how they would react to me ‘pausing’ their wedding planning for 2 months. Every single one responded with support and respect for my honesty and it made me realise how ahead we are with everything, how happy they are with my work and my relationship with them. It’s given me perspective I didn’t have before and so much more confidence.

As well as almost quite literally talking to myself, I’ve taken some other steps to help move towards loving myself and moving into the strongest position I can be going into hospital.

– I’ve written a little list of positive messages that I read to myself every morning. It’s doing me the world of good and changing my mindset before the critic in my head even has the chance to wake up.

– I write my journal as often as I can. This helps me to really understand how I’m feeling in that moment. It’s helping my to get over old fears – like being a patient in The Brompton hospital where my brother got really sick.

– I’ve made a plan (obvs) – for whether things go well, or not so well and talked it through with Ben so we feel prepared somewhat. I’ve then attempted to surrender; to let go knowing that I can’t control what’s coming.

– As much as my body has allowed me, I’ve done things that make me feel good: a simple hair cut and getting my nails done, a date night with Ben, seeing my best friends. It’s been amazing and supported my positive messages.

Most importantly to me I am grateful and appreciate the small things, as often as I can. I have so many things to be grateful for, including having a big baby inside my tummy. Something I’ve always wanted (maybe not the ‘big’ bit) and have been really excited about.

This relates to a specific time in my life, but it’s something we should all being doing, all of the time. The most important thing in your life is you. I’m still far off from ‘loving myself’ but I’m getting there and I know it will help me to be a the best mum, wife, friend, wedding planner and all round Lucy that I can be. And just to be clear, I don’t need to be better, that’s a critique in itself!

Give it a go. Fall in love with yourself!

Troubles of the heart (again)

This week we got the news that I may only be pregnant for a few more weeks. My heart has grown significantly – it is dilated (as my condition ‘dilated cardiomyopathy’ suggests) beyond what the doctors would deem safe. So I’ve entered into a balancing act between my heart getting so big that they have to act to protect me, and my bambino being big enough to come out.

The ideal scenario is my heart holds out for another 4 weeks and I can get to 36 weeks and have a cesarean. It is however possible that my heart could continually deteriorate or change at any time and they’d have to act immediately, despite poor little bambinos size.

Luckily, and most importantly, bambino is growing very well – as you’d imagine with big parents like me and Ben. He’s already 5lb (at 31 weeks) and lovely and long. So we just need him to gain a bit more chub as quickly as he can and all should be well.

It’s an unsettling and unknown time for us but positivity is the only medicine. I’m confident that things will work out no matter which way it goes. I’ve come to realise that my body is amazing and, despite my heart, it is very strong and has been an excellent baby making machine so far. I have confidence in it to get through this part and then the recovery, however that looks for both me and bambino.

I’ve now got the lovely job of relaxing – doctors orders! And not something I’m good at. With my heart struggling and my heart symptoms loud and clear, all I can do is take it easy and cut any stresses and strains from my life. I said an impromptu goodbye to my lovely colleagues today after being signed off work sick. You’ll mostly find me chilling at home with Winnie. Visitors welcome!

Anyone out there with a heart problem that may be reading this pre or during pregnancy – know that I wouldn’t change my decision to go ahead with pregnancy for anything. I have loved my pregnancy and although this is a little scary, I have confidence in my body and my incredible doctors at The Brompton and Chelsea and Westminster to get us through as safely as possible. The risks were high and explained to us at the start but it’s going to be worth it!

This week, the doctors monitored my heart with an ECG for 48 hours. It made sleep even more of a challenge!

The third trimester

So here we are, at that pregnancy milestone I knew nothing about until very recently – The Third Trimester. The last part of the road to becoming a mum and meeting the little boy that’s (kicking my guts out everyday and) growing in me.

When my friends have been pregnant, I’ve always imagined pregnancy a bit like a marathon. I’m sure my friends would have laughed and some may have even been offended by my analogy. But having (almost) gone through both experiences, I don’t think I was too far off.

I have had similar anxieties, albeit on totally different levels, during the two experiences. Should I do it? Can I do it? Will my body support me through it? Will me heart be OK? What should I be eating? How much should I be exercising? Am I resting enough? What else do I need to learn to make this the best possible experience? All of these questions have come up when I’ve run a marathon and throughout pregnancy.

In both cases, I obviously made the decision to go ahead, I took the first step and at that point you never really know what you’re getting into. This week’s been a hard one for me as I’ve had a huge realisation that I really have no idea what’s coming. I’ve been surprisingly relaxed through the pregnancy to date and I’ve let go of my controlling nature and honestly thoroughly enjoyed the freedom of the unknown. But this week challenged this new ‘laid back Lucy’.

On Tuesday I had my check in appointment at Chelsea & Westminster with the team of Cardiac Obstetricians (they’re the people that help you to give birth, but also cardiac specialists) and quite frankly, shit got real. All of the worries and risks and things I’d dealt with and parked in the early stage of pregnancy came up again as we talked through the realities of the next 8-10 weeks to the point of giving birth. The final 6 miles as I’m calling it. I knew this point would come but it came as quite a shock.

The reality is that this is the crunch point and the point when the risks rise significantly. Thankfully the risks are really on me and bambino looks like he’s doing really well and has a clear run out of my belly no matter what happens! I’ve got appointments almost every week to check bambino’s growth and my heart. I came away feeling scared and overwhelmed by the vast unknown and the myriad of ways this could all go.

My coping mechanisms that day; an Honest Burger (yes!), a good cry, letting myself feel sorry for myself, going to bed for a while and talking to friends.

And then I got out my journal. I went back to how I felt right at the start, as I knew they were similar worries. Reading this over, alongside the facts about these risks that I’d written down at the time helped massively. I wrote out my concerns and the other anxieties this has triggered and I started to be able to see through to the positives.

Beyond the absolute miracle that I have Ben’s baby growing inside me, and that bambino is very healthy and active, I still have my health. My body has supported me this far and it’s doing a bloody amazing job considering. It’s got me through 2 marathons, why can’t it get me through this?

I’ve got a team of amazing doctors who won’t leave me alone for checking up on me. If anything does happen, it will get spotted and me and bambino will have the best possible care the NHS can give.

So, here’s to those final miles, I may have hit the wall but it’s all in the head from here on in. Bring on the final 200 metres (giving birth)!

Loving Life

I’m putting myself out there as one of those pregnant women that other pregnant women hate. I’m absolutely loving being pregnant! Don’t get me wrong, it’s not been easy but it’s certainly an incredible experience now that I’m over the flu-like symptoms, feeling out of control of my weight and fear of the future. This week marks a major milestone in that our baby is ‘viable’ and I can no longer see my feet – the bambino is in the way. I know what it’s like to have a beer belly and I don’t know how people do it!

It’s weird, you hear all these stereotypes about pregnant women being ‘moody’ or having mood swings. It’s justified – it’s bloody hard work growing a human on top of everything else we’re trying to do but (shock horror) I don’t think it’s true! It may be one long happy mood swing, or hormones actually working in my favour for once but I’m just really happy almost all of the time! If you’ve read my blogs before, you’ll know that like most of us, I suffer on life’s up and downs but this is one big up at the moment. Pregnancy has made me a nicer, happier person!

It may be the way that people actually stop and talk to you. Strangers start conversations about your bump and the pregnancy. It’s a real conversation starter and I love it. Instead of the normal chain of events where I try and chat to strangers and they think I’m a nutter, I’m actually getting something back these days…I love it!

It could be that pregnancy hasn’t been as scary as my crazy brain had made me believe it would be. The Doctors remain happy with my progress and are confident in the rest of my pregnancy. Now that everyone’s a bit more relaxed with the pregnancy, the appointment schedule has become a bit lighter which a huge relief.

Maybe I’m now in the swing of things – don’t get me wrong, there’s loads I don’t know and lots to learn – but I’ve got my head around the minefield of baby crap that is needed and have my simple, cut down ‘musts’ list of what we need.

And it’s spring! The flowers are blooming and the sun is out…for now!

Oh I know why I’m so happy….A YEAR OFF WORK! Well, work as I have known it.

I think the main thing is that for the first time in my life, I have to be truly laid back about my future. I can’t control much at all, what’s happening to my body, when I’ll have our bambino, what I’ll be doing and how I’ll feel this time next year. It’s a welcome relief from my control freak personality and I really do love it.

I’ve even loved this last week which has literally seen all symptoms that were previously absent, come at once…not sleeping well, bloating, dry skin, nosebleeds, harder breathing, tiring very easily, heartburn, nausea…but I’m taking it and staying positive.

I’ll continue taking it week by week and although I know my mood may not stay this great for much longer, I’m so grateful for how I’ve felt so far. Thanks body!

19 weeks – scans galore!


Well it’s now half way through this mini-marathon and I’m pleased to say that things are still going well and better than I planned. I’ve hit more than one milestone since my last post…

Today I had a scan of my heart and it looks like it’s coping well. I usually call my heart dodgy/weak/pathetic but I’m strangely proud of it. What a legend for growing a little someone inside me and doing a great job of trying to be normal. Thanks heart and thanks body for doing what you’re supposed to.

We also saw our bambino again today during a fetal heart scan. What an incredible experience that was! Seeing great detail of bambino there on the screen and such close ups of it’s tiny little heart. The incredible Brompton Doctor measured everything from the size of the heart wall, to the electrical balance and the circumference of it’s artery. Simply amazing!

It’s fair to say that in the lead up to today’s scans, I’ve been quite anxious again. I’ve been really focusing on looking after myself. I think I have just hit that stage where a bit more energy comes back. I’ve found focus in doing just one thing per day on top of going to work. So before where I was trying to work, then go spinning, then do some weddings work (not possible!), of an evening I can now either do gym / or weddings / or see a friend for example. Glad it only took my 5 months to work that one out!

I’ve been finding exercise much harder in the last 2 weeks and actually had to stop at spinning last night for the first time ever. Previously, I’d be cycling away, jumping about feeling strong and now I’m slow and even have to stop. But that’s OK. Although I’ve found some more energy, I’ve actually lost ‘power’. I’ve been reading about this and it’s due to heart pumping more blood, generally working harder and working at a higher heart rate even just at rest. Best to keep taking it easy I think!

I’ve also found some blooming’ game changers:

I look as smug as this lady when I'm asleep now.

I look as smug as this lady when I’m asleep now.

– How to get a good night’s sleep – a monster 12 ft maternity pillow!

– Pregnancy massage – wow, just wow

– Pregnancy clothes – yay, I don’t just feel like I’ve got too fat for my clothes and sad that I can’t wear my faves!

– Some more semi-healthy indulgence food finds – look for the coconut collaborative dairy free choc pots! That’s all you need to know.

And with more energy, more relaxation and some game changers, has come that much needed improvement in my colitis symptoms. Thank you body, I’m becoming a big fan of you!