What a week

Two hospital appointments (did I mention I’ve realised I’m scared of hospitals?), a private consultation and a little thing called coronavirus making work just incredibly challenging.

The good news is that I’ve made great progress with my colitis this week. My annual appointment at Guy’s Hospital was positive. My colitis symptoms are relatively under control at the moment with my diet and lifestyle and I have a colonoscopy booked to see how my disease has grown or changed (they’re supposed to be every 5 years and I ask for one every 2).

On Wednesday an appointment with Dr Megan Rossi AKA The Gut Health doctor gave me some much needed advice and knowledge. I’m going to be making some further changes to my diet, adding a new probiotic into the mix and taking my colitis drugs for the first time in a long time. Dr Rossi explained what these actually do for me and my gut and it’s the first time I’ve ever really understood how they work and therefore the importance of them. Sadly the doctors I’m under the care of have never explained things to me or encouraged me to take the drugs that it turns out I could really do with.

You might wonder why I’ve not been taking them. There are a few reasons…I’ve gone through phases of not accepting I have a disease and by not taking the pills I can escape this reality. It also offers me some level of control. And, they’re really big pills! I hate taking them. Aside from that, my symptoms are relatively under control and I don’t feel I need drugs to manage them. However, they play a more important role internally that I didn’t understand until now and I’ll be taking them again from this week onwards.

I’ve found it quite overwhelming when thinking about planning my food this week amongst the possibility of the coronavirus lock down. So I’ve focused on sticking to simple meals and filling the freezer with frozen fruits and veggies.

My job is to plan weddings in Italy. And right now, all the weddings are obviously in jeopardy. In the last couple of weeks my role has changed from planning the weddings to a set project plan and feeling completely in control and on top of everything, to changing almost everything, in every way; how our business currently runs, contracts, all new work streams. We’re shifting priorities by the second and keeping up communications with an estimated 45 (anxious) couples, daily.

We’re also carrying the weight and energy of our couples that are stressed, sad and anxious too. A weight that I would have collapsed under a year ago. I was work-a-holic, perfectionist, people pleaser etc. the list goes on. Today I am none of those things. If I was, right now I’d be in bed with a racing heart, anxiety and awful colitis symptoms. I’d be no use to anyone. I am so grateful for the journey that I have been on in the last year to learn about myself, face some hard truths and change my ways to truly enable me to handle the situation I’m in – leading a business through extremely turbulent times as a person with two chronic diseases.

What’s changed?

I like myself – the real me. We’re not a love self yet but we could get there. This liking of self means I care. I do things to help myself feel good which is fundamental to success in this trying time. I keep promises to myself to journal, meditate, exercise and eat nutritious food. To keep my boundaries in place. To talk to people that I care about and listen to them.

Previously I’d have scrapped them to keep working and strive for perfect. Turns out I’m closer to perfect (whatever that is) if I work less and do the things above.

I believe in myself. I accept and acknowledge that I am not perfect, that I will make mistakes and that feels SO much more OK that I ever thought it could. I know that I can’t please everyone or influence their opinion of me.

I am aware of that sometimes nasty, sometimes scared, voice in my head and I’m influencing this. I’m re-wiring my brain and I can see the rewire working from my reaction to real life situations I’ve been going through.

And perhaps most importantly I have accepted that I have no control over anything in life and this has been the most freeing thing I have ever experienced. I have surrendered to life and whatever comes.

This process has led me to where I am now. In some of the most trying of times where my fear would have once controlled me and bought my body to a stand still, to being in control of what I can and accepting what I can’t control. To upholding my promises to self and staying well. To being there for my son, my family and my couples, who need me.

I am standing strong and I am proud. A tough week but an amazing realisation.

No real relevance. Just happiness and the fact that even when this busy, I can be there, present for my son.

Colitis and Gut Health

I’ve been a bit quiet recently. I’ve been squirrelled away working on me and it’s never felt so good. I’m mentally in a place where I’ve finally accepted lots of things, including my chronic diseases and it’s propelled me into an amazing place of self care, growing self love and confidence. All thanks to counselling and some hard work.

Today I wanted to speak about something I’m excited about – improving and understanding my nutrition and gut health. You may know that for the last 10 years I’ve been on a journey to change what I eat to help improve my colitis symptoms. In recent years this journey took a turn where I relaxed these ‘rules’ that I’d had so strictly in place and that became more detrimental that supportive. I have become quite scared of food again, not sure what it will do to my body and my mood and that’s no way to live!

I’ve re-visited this and here I am with clarity on why I want to focus on this again and what I hope to get out of it. That’s:
– Lowering / stopping my colitis symptoms
– Improving my energy levels
– Bodily strength

Thankfully gut health has become a bit of a fad and that’s great because it means so many more people are sharing their wisdom. It’s not scientifically proven that certain diets can help me to reach those goals above but in my own little 10 year experiment, it’s been quite clear that some foods help me and others hinder me. I’m looking to learn more about exactly what those are and here starts my journey.

Tomorrow I’ve an appointment at Guy’s Hospital which is my annual check up on the old rectum (where my colitis is). Thankfully this is nothing too intrusive, just a discussion of symptoms and a few checks such as bloods. But I will be begging for a colonoscopy to check how my colitis is looking, if it’s flared up or spread as I last had this check was I was 8 months pregnant. A story for another time but let’s just say I couldn’t have anaesthetic because I was so pregnant and there was no space for Zigs in there anymore, let alone the bloody camera…eugh!

On Wednesday I have an appointment with someone called The Gut Health Doctor. She is leading the way on gut health research I am excited to learn, explore and test how to improve my gut health which in turn I am so sure will improve my life.

Alongside this gut focus I have to maintain the other pillars of my health which come in physical exercise, mental health and workload. More to come on that soon.

All this work takes so much effort and it takes a lot of respect for myself. Only through the changes to how I feel about my past, my current situation and myself can I fully embrace this new journey and this work and be my best.

Wishing you all a fab Sunday and excellent gut health! I can’t wait to share what I learn!

Probably a few less spritz and crisps for me this summer!

Body, I love you

As I walked out of the hospital, I felt overwhelmed, emotional and flooded with that intense need to cry. This was today, at Dorking Hospital after seeing an Ear Nose and Throat Doctor.

After 5 years of ignoring my hearing problems, I went back to see a consultant and find out how my ears are after a lifetime of infections and operations. Turns out, they’re not that good. But my ears are the least of my worries, or so I thought. Little did I expect them to be a trigger to some deep and ancient sadness, fear and anger from ears, to heart to colitis that I’ve been pushing down inside me and that I’m on a project to release.

Why are so many things bloody wrong with me?

I cried for 30 seconds on the phone to Ben. I allowed myself to feel my emotion and admit that I was beyond fed up. And that’s what I needed to do. I didn’t push it down, like perhaps I’ve done for the past 10 years or so. I lived it, accepted it and moved on. And suddenly I was in a place of gratitude for my body.

I f**king love my body. All of it, even the broken bits and the wobbly bits. Perfectly imperfect.

Despite the colitis, the heart problems, the crappy ears – it fights SO hard for me. It fights the fatigue, the pain, the inflammation, the palpitations, the hearing loss and let’s me live my fullest life.

Thank you body for fighting every day. You’re AMAZING.